The Hidden Depths

It's an unsettling fact that by age 11 boys have generally been subjected to pornographic images. Yet few materials on the subject address such a youthful audience. It can be surprisingly difficult for parents to find a good way to discuss pornography. You don't want your child to see sex as "forbidden" or "dirty," but no matter how sex-positive you are, you sense that porn isn't the best way to gain a sex education. Unfortunately, tweens just don’t find “because I said so” persuasive.

We teamed up with two men to create a sensible, science-based audiobook for boys, Things You Didn’t Know About Porn. Why? Because we discovered that men in their twenties had, in some cases, been hooked on porn since they began using it in their teens—and far from enjoying life more, they were desperate to quit. Here’s an actual forum post (from www.reuniting.info) that helped us understand:

Bored? Masturbation. Angry? Masturbation. Sad? Masturbation. Stressed? Masturbation. I went from being the first of my class to the very bottom, until I dropped out for good. I found a Web job, making good money with my porn one click away. This was my life, and I didn't recognize I had an addiction until I had surgery and masturbation wasn't an option for fifteen days. On day three, I was literally shaking, and I began to connect the dots. Other symptoms: irritability, inability to focus ("staring at walls syndrome"), mood swings, headaches (sometimes quite strong), sense of pressure in my genitals, flashbacks, paranoia, self-defeating thinking, depression, hopelessness, and fear that I will never have sex because I've learned no social skills since diving into porn eight years ago as a teen.

We also heard, "No matter how many orgasms I have, I never feel satisfied; I just finally collapse in exhaustion, and start again the next day." "To get off, I need extreme material that I never would have viewed before." "I'm more anxious or depressed, and I have a strong desire to avoid other people."

How could this happen? Isn’t porn just a harmless bit of fun for guys? Maybe not. Here’s some of what we learned:

First, today’s Internet pornography is not like adult magazines of the past. It’s more easily obtained and available in privacy around the clock. It’s free. And it’s always novel. Novelty-on-demand is extremely enticing. Studies reveal that the brain loves it. It’s why slot machines lure gamblers. Each swipe, or click, offers a delicious moment of anticipation: “Just one more!”

Second, today’s Internet porn is much more stimulating. An image of a naked body can evoke a strong reaction, but a video of naked women being raped, or performing acts that shock the viewer, has far more emotional impact than the Playboy of yesteryear. It triggers a greater release of exciting neurochemicals (adrenaline, dopamine) in a primitive part of the brain. Dopamine is the “I gotta have it!” neurochemical. It’s behind all our drives. When we throw it out of whack with too much intense stimulation, it’s also behind all addictions.

Both adrenaline and dopamine swiftly wire intense experiences into the brain. The brain then associates these events with the reward of orgasm, and automatically scans the environment for more such stimulation—even when a user consciously wants to quit. This is how the brain learns, and depending upon where we put our focus, it can learn useful habits or demanding compulsions.

"The addictiveness of Internet pornography is not a metaphor. All addiction involves long-term, sometimes lifelong, neuroplastic change in the brain. ... The same surge of dopamine that thrills us also consolidates the neuronal connections." – Psychiatrist Norman Doidge, author of The Brain That Changes Itself

Why doesn’t more intense stimulation lead to more satisfaction…and less need for porn? Actually, it’s the reverse. The more intense the initial stimulation, the lower the lows afterward, in the brain. A Dutch scientist analyzing brain scans of men ejaculating commented that they looked like scans of people shooting heroin. What goes up must come down. And the lows aren’t just a return to baseline. The more intense the highs, the deeper and more unsettling the lows as the brain recovers. Neurochemistry can fluctuate for days causing mood swings and behavioural changes. This can make it harder to concentrate on schoolwork, or makes one irritable or oversensitive to another’s remarks.

Masturbation is normal, but the more one reaches for superstimulation such as Internet porn, the less responsive the brain grows. Then, a user may need increasing stimulation to achieve the relief of arousal and climax.

What’s a parent to do? Here are a few tips:

1. Encourage questions, and don’t be afraid to share your candid thoughts. Also, accept that kids must make their own experiments. It’s part of approaching adulthood.


2. Avoid shaming kids in connection with sex. Shame increases the addictiveness of sexually explicit material.It makes it even more exciting because it becomes guilt-producing, forbidden, and risky. This lays the groundwork for a subconscious association between sexual arousal and shameful, forbidden or risky activities, which can haunt a child into adulthood.


3. Instead of making porn discussions about “perversion” or “naughtiness,” focus them on overstimulation versus the natural stimulation of discovering masturbation and sex oneself. The risk stems from the neurochemical charge of shocking, unrealistic scenarios dreamed up by film makers who find hooked users profitable.


4. Teach kids how their brains work. Sexual impulses come from a very primitive part of the brain that is focused on making lots of babies. We have another, newer, part of the brain that helps us make sound choices. Be prepared to explain why “more” is not going to lead to “greater satisfaction.”


5. Humans are tribal, pair-bonding primates. Friendly interaction soothes stress. When kids have good skills for connecting with others, the need to console themselves in isolation is less. Help them realize that the compelling rush of Internet porn is not a substitute for learning the social skills we all need for healthy interaction.